A Massachusetts crook ended up getting smoked when he approached a woman on the street to bum a cigarette -- just two days after stealing her purse. Malek Matos produced a knife and threatened to stab the woman if she didn't hand over her purse, so she complied. He ran off, but ran into her again outside the Department of Motor Vehicles, where she asked a clerk to call cops -- who quickly arrived to haul Matos away.

Just about everyone has heard of the Onion, the hilarious fake news site. And every once, in a while we hear about a politician or celebrity who mistakes an Onion headline for a real story. But you know, that's forgivable. After all, there are plenty of real headlines that sound like they could be from the Onion. Find some funny ones at OnionLike.tumblr.com.

Donald Trump welcomed 18 new celebrity contestants on last night's season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice.: Clay Aiken; Dee Snider; George Takei; Adam Carolla; Penn Jillette; Lou Ferrigno; Arsenio Hall; Aubrey O'Day ; Cheryl Tiegs (model); Dayana Mendoza; Debbie Gibson; Lisa Lampanelli ; Michael Andrett; Patricia Valasquez; Teresa Giudice; Paul Teutul, Sr.; Tia Carrere; and Victoria Gotti.

The third Monday in February is a federal holiday. But Presidents Day is not its official name. What is? It is Washington's Birthday.

Elizabeth Smart married her boyfriend of one year, Matthew Gilmour, in a private ceremony Saturday in Hawaii. Elizabeth made headlines in 2002 when she was kidnapped from her home at age 14.

Lindsay Lohan will host Saturday Night Live on March 3rd -- because she wants to remind people she's an actress, and not a defendant. According to sources, Linds reached out to producer Lorne Michaels and after some back and forth agreed on a date. Insiders tell TMZ she feels that Lorne has been very fatherly towards her throughout the years.

An Ohio elementary school was far from the happiest place on earth after officials put it on lockdown over a parent who came to visit while dressed as Mickey Mouse. The woman wanted to surprise her daughter's class by wearing the outfit for a Valentine's Day party, but failed to tell the school's principal about the costume, which she showed up wearing -- then changed out of in a restroom.

A California man got some positive feedback after selling an old safe on E-Bay -- not realizing there was more than $25,000 in cash stashed inside. James Labreque put the safe up for grabs because he had no room for it -- and he didn't have the combination to open it. The buyer gave Labreque a thumbs-up on the transaction -- and shared the news about the little cash bonus and told "finders keepers."

A small private plane that was carrying 40 pounds of marijuana chose to invade the wrong airspace yesterday (Thursday) morning. Just before President Obama was set to leave Los Angeles International Airport for San Francisco, the small plane entered restricted airspace and North American Aerospace Defense Command scrambled two F-16 fighter jets. The Cessna 182 was intercepted by the jets and was forced to land.

Gas prices are once again on the rise with some experts predicting that they'll hit the $4-per-gallon mark by summer, possibly as early as Memorial Day weekend. For now, the average price per gallon is $3.52, which is up 14 cents a gallon from a month ago. There are several reasons for the price increase, including the continuing unrest in the Middle East and upgrades to refineries in the U.S.

You haven't really made it until you're linked to a Kardashian. Congratulations, Jeremy Lin -- you've made it! Kim reportedly had her publicist arrange a date between her and the basketball sensation. Considering the fact that Kim has already dated most of the NFL and NBA, this isn't as farfetched as it seems.

Whitney Houston's Bodyguard co-star Kevin Costner will be among the speakers at her funeral.
Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder and Alicia Keys will sing at the invitation-only service, which takes place tomorrow at the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, New Jersey. Clive Davis is set to speak. Among those on the guest list are Oprah Winfrey, Chaka Khan, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Antonio "L.A." Reid, Ray J and Brandy.

A bunch of San Diego cops spent much of Tuesday afternoon engaged in a tense standoff surrounding a car at the side of a freeway -- not realizing that the vehicle was completely empty.
Officers spotted the car on Interstate 8 and called for reinforcements, who arrived and began negotiating via loudspeaker. After receiving no response for two hours, they consulted with headquarters and decided to send in a K-9 unit.

Guys normally get brownie points for sending flowers to their wives on Valentine's Day, but one Wisconsin man got something much different for his trouble -- a one-way trip to the pokey. Zachary Zelko sent a bouquet and a note to his estranged sweetie earlier this week, letting his inner romantic make the choice even though he had a restraining order out against him.

You may soon start receiving fewer of those annoying computer-generated telemarketing phone calls known as "robocalls." Yesterday the Federal Communications Commission approved a tougher set of restrictions to help curb the calls. Under the new rules, telemarketers must obtain written consent and can no longer assume that they can make the calls because a person had previously had done business with the telemarketer.

Think you watch a lot of TV? Jeremiah Franco and Carin Shreve recently set a new Guinness World Record by watching a continuous 86 hours and 37 minutes of The Simpsons. The competition, hosted by FOX, took place between February 8th and 12th in L.A. It began with 100 contestants but was eventually narrowed down to the two mega-Simpsons fans.

Whitney Houston's private funeral won't be so private after all. Fans will be able to watch the ceremony Saturday in Newark, New Jersey on the Internet. The AP will stream the service on livestream.com/aplive.

While Kenny Chesney was away from his Nashville home, an uninvited guest made herself comfortable next to the pool -- at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning. Melissa Mansfield took a bus from Knoxville to Nashville and hired a limo to deliver her to Kenny's property. She was accompanied by at least one bottle of wine when police found her hiding in a poolside restroom. Mansfield claimed to be dating Kenny.

A Minnesota man couldn't quite make a clean getaway after a year-long stealing spree in which he lifted more than $25,000 worth of detergent from a supermarket near his home. Patrick Paul Costanzo snuck the suds out of the store a few bottles at a time, stockpiling enough Tide to do more than 80,000 loads of laundry in the process. Sounds like he's in hot water -- unless his lawyer can spin things favorably.

Seemingly flying in the face of U.S., European and Israeli concerns, Iran said yesterday that its President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will reveal "key nuclear achievements" today. An Iranian news agency tipped that he was likely to announce that a new uranium enrichment plant, built inside a mountain, near Qum is now "fully operational."