A Massachusetts crook ended up getting smoked when he approached a woman on the street to bum a cigarette -- just two days after stealing her purse. Malek Matos produced a knife and threatened to stab the woman if she didn't hand over her purse, so she complied. He ran off, but ran into her again outside the Department of Motor Vehicles, where she asked a clerk to call cops -- who quickly arrived to haul Matos away.

Just about everyone has heard of the Onion, the hilarious fake news site. And every once, in a while we hear about a politician or celebrity who mistakes an Onion headline for a real story. But you know, that's forgivable. After all, there are plenty of real headlines that sound like they could be from the Onion. Find some funny ones at OnionLike.tumblr.com.

Donald Trump welcomed 18 new celebrity contestants on last night's season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice.: Clay Aiken; Dee Snider; George Takei; Adam Carolla; Penn Jillette; Lou Ferrigno; Arsenio Hall; Aubrey O'Day ; Cheryl Tiegs (model); Dayana Mendoza; Debbie Gibson; Lisa Lampanelli ; Michael Andrett; Patricia Valasquez; Teresa Giudice; Paul Teutul, Sr.; Tia Carrere; and Victoria Gotti.

The third Monday in February is a federal holiday. But Presidents Day is not its official name. What is? It is Washington's Birthday.

Elizabeth Smart married her boyfriend of one year, Matthew Gilmour, in a private ceremony Saturday in Hawaii. Elizabeth made headlines in 2002 when she was kidnapped from her home at age 14.

Lindsay Lohan will host Saturday Night Live on March 3rd -- because she wants to remind people she's an actress, and not a defendant. According to sources, Linds reached out to producer Lorne Michaels and after some back and forth agreed on a date. Insiders tell TMZ she feels that Lorne has been very fatherly towards her throughout the years.

An Ohio elementary school was far from the happiest place on earth after officials put it on lockdown over a parent who came to visit while dressed as Mickey Mouse. The woman wanted to surprise her daughter's class by wearing the outfit for a Valentine's Day party, but failed to tell the school's principal about the costume, which she showed up wearing -- then changed out of in a restroom.

A California man got some positive feedback after selling an old safe on E-Bay -- not realizing there was more than $25,000 in cash stashed inside. James Labreque put the safe up for grabs because he had no room for it -- and he didn't have the combination to open it. The buyer gave Labreque a thumbs-up on the transaction -- and shared the news about the little cash bonus and told "finders keepers."

A small private plane that was carrying 40 pounds of marijuana chose to invade the wrong airspace yesterday (Thursday) morning. Just before President Obama was set to leave Los Angeles International Airport for San Francisco, the small plane entered restricted airspace and North American Aerospace Defense Command scrambled two F-16 fighter jets. The Cessna 182 was intercepted by the jets and was forced to land.

Gas prices are once again on the rise with some experts predicting that they'll hit the $4-per-gallon mark by summer, possibly as early as Memorial Day weekend. For now, the average price per gallon is $3.52, which is up 14 cents a gallon from a month ago. There are several reasons for the price increase, including the continuing unrest in the Middle East and upgrades to refineries in the U.S.

You haven't really made it until you're linked to a Kardashian. Congratulations, Jeremy Lin -- you've made it! Kim reportedly had her publicist arrange a date between her and the basketball sensation. Considering the fact that Kim has already dated most of the NFL and NBA, this isn't as farfetched as it seems.

Whitney Houston's Bodyguard co-star Kevin Costner will be among the speakers at her funeral.
Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder and Alicia Keys will sing at the invitation-only service, which takes place tomorrow at the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, New Jersey. Clive Davis is set to speak. Among those on the guest list are Oprah Winfrey, Chaka Khan, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Antonio "L.A." Reid, Ray J and Brandy.

A bunch of San Diego cops spent much of Tuesday afternoon engaged in a tense standoff surrounding a car at the side of a freeway -- not realizing that the vehicle was completely empty.
Officers spotted the car on Interstate 8 and called for reinforcements, who arrived and began negotiating via loudspeaker. After receiving no response for two hours, they consulted with headquarters and decided to send in a K-9 unit.

Guys normally get brownie points for sending flowers to their wives on Valentine's Day, but one Wisconsin man got something much different for his trouble -- a one-way trip to the pokey. Zachary Zelko sent a bouquet and a note to his estranged sweetie earlier this week, letting his inner romantic make the choice even though he had a restraining order out against him.

You may soon start receiving fewer of those annoying computer-generated telemarketing phone calls known as "robocalls." Yesterday the Federal Communications Commission approved a tougher set of restrictions to help curb the calls. Under the new rules, telemarketers must obtain written consent and can no longer assume that they can make the calls because a person had previously had done business with the telemarketer.

Think you watch a lot of TV? Jeremiah Franco and Carin Shreve recently set a new Guinness World Record by watching a continuous 86 hours and 37 minutes of The Simpsons. The competition, hosted by FOX, took place between February 8th and 12th in L.A. It began with 100 contestants but was eventually narrowed down to the two mega-Simpsons fans.

Whitney Houston's private funeral won't be so private after all. Fans will be able to watch the ceremony Saturday in Newark, New Jersey on the Internet. The AP will stream the service on livestream.com/aplive.

While Kenny Chesney was away from his Nashville home, an uninvited guest made herself comfortable next to the pool -- at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning. Melissa Mansfield took a bus from Knoxville to Nashville and hired a limo to deliver her to Kenny's property. She was accompanied by at least one bottle of wine when police found her hiding in a poolside restroom. Mansfield claimed to be dating Kenny.

A Minnesota man couldn't quite make a clean getaway after a year-long stealing spree in which he lifted more than $25,000 worth of detergent from a supermarket near his home. Patrick Paul Costanzo snuck the suds out of the store a few bottles at a time, stockpiling enough Tide to do more than 80,000 loads of laundry in the process. Sounds like he's in hot water -- unless his lawyer can spin things favorably.

Seemingly flying in the face of U.S., European and Israeli concerns, Iran said yesterday that its President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will reveal "key nuclear achievements" today. An Iranian news agency tipped that he was likely to announce that a new uranium enrichment plant, built inside a mountain, near Qum is now "fully operational."

Add Kenny Rogers to the list of recording artists suing for unpaid royalties. The country-pop icon says Capitol owes him $400,000 for digital downloads, ringtones and other uses of his music. The number is based on results of an audit Rogers commissioned -- but it might be higher. In his suit, Rogers claims he's entitled to a 50 percent cut from sales through sources such as iTunes and Verizon Wireless.

In Croatia, a museum is open this Valentine's Day that features artifacts collected from people who have endured breakups and heartache. The Museum of Broken Relationships has such things as A garden gnome thrown in a fit of rage at a car during a violent breakup. A teddy bear that was once a Valentine's Day present. An ax that smashed through household furniture.

Cops thought a college student in Mississippi was set to commit an act that was truly deadly -- when he was really only considering something silent-but-deadly. Wayne Hadley Jr. was arrested at his home on suspicion of making a bomb threat -- delivered by writing the word "bomb" on a roll of toilet paper. But Hadley's aunt said the young man was pondering an explosion of another kind.

A Kansas college student got a lesson about reading between the lines when she opened up a textbook that she'd ordered online -- only to find about $400 worth of cocaine stashed inside. Sophia Stockton freaked out when she opened up the copy of Terrorism: Challenges, Perspectives and Issues and found a bag of white powder -- which she assumed was anthrax.

"Occupy Valentine's Day" is the message of the 99 percent of people who don't like Valentine's Day. Okay, so maybe 99 percent is a bit of an exaggeration, but the Occupy Valentine's Day-ers have their own blog. Check out OccupyVDay.tumblr.com.

PIZZA HUT PROPOSAL - 10% of the year's marriage proposals will take place on Valentine's Day. Pizza Hut, yes Pizza Hut, is offering an engagement package for $10,000 -- you get private limo service, a ruby engagement ring, flowers, fireworks, a personal videographer, breadsticks and a medium cheese pizza -- seriously, this isn't a joke!

An English man who was fuming about not being able to smoke in a pub. Dean Dinnen returned to the bar that booted him wielding a running chainsaw, which he waved wildly at fellow patrons while seeking the man who forced him to put out his smoke. The pup patrons subdued Dinnen by beating him with barstools and pool cues before turning him over to cops.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, like every politician in history, likes to hold babies at campaign stops. MittRomneyConfusingChildren.tumblr.com collects pictures of Romney holding little ones who look much less interested than he does.

Country stars were shocked to hear the news of Whitney Houston's death, but perhaps none were more affected than "I Will Always Love You" writer Dolly Parton. On her website, Dolly wrote, "Mine is only one of the millions of hearts broken over the death of Whitney Houston. I can truly say from the bottom of my heart, 'Whitney, I will always love you. You will be missed.'"

The 54th Grammy Awards - Adele was the top winner, with six statues, followed by Foo Fighters with five and Kanye West, who did not attend the ceremony, with four. Skrillex took three. A number of artists got two each: Taylor Swift, Kirk Franklin, Bon Iver, Cee Lo Green, Melanie Fiona, Fergie, Kid Cudi, Civil Wars, Rihanna and Tony Bennett, whose duet with Queen Latifah also received recognition for its arrangement.

Vocal icon Whitney Houston died on Saturday. She was 48. Paramedics were called to the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where she was staying and was scheduled to attend a gala party Saturday night, but were unable to revive her. She was declared dead at 3:55 pm PT. An autopsy was performed Sunday, but the cause of death won't be announced until the results of a toxicology report are in which normally takes four to six weeks.

A delicatessen in Portland, Oregon, is offering romantic bouquets of salami for the meat-lover in your life, but they don't come cheap. Three long-stemmed salamis will run you 75 bucks, while a six-stem bunch is an even 100 dollars. As a bonus, the delivery dude will serenade the recipient with a chorus or two of "Love Is Where the Meat Is." Sounds kind of hammy to us!

Theron Humphrey is a photographer who loves to travel around the country snapping pictures. Maddie is his dog who loves to stand on things. Their passions unite in this great new blog, MaddieOnThings.com.

In documents released by the FBI yesterday, those who knew late Apple co-founder Steve Jobs praised him, saying he had integrity and conducted business in a reputable manner. They even recommended him for a post within the George H.W. Bush administration. The interviews, conducted in 1991, were for a an appointment to the President's Export Council, which Jobs did serve on.

Even divorce can't stop Katy Perry from smiling. The former couple reached a "comprehensive written settlement of all issues" and Katy requested to legally return to her maiden name. Russell walked away without a dime of Katy's fortune. No word if he was smiling, too.

A Florida man who was busted for getting into a scuffle with his wife will have to answer with another strike now that a judge has ordered him to take her bowling as part of his punishment. Judge John Hurley gave very specific instructions to Thomas Bray, Hurley ruled, "He's going to go home, pick up his wife, get dressed, take her to Red Lobster. And then after they have Red Lobster, they're going to go bowling."

Ben Stein wants to be compensated for not being in Honda's Ferris Bueller-inspired Super Bowl commercial. Stein, who appeared in the 1986 movie, tells TMZ, "They had a guy imitating my voice. They should've had me in it." But he has a solution. "Just my humble opinion, but since they used my voice, they should give me a top-of-the-line Honda."

HOUSE ENDING ITS RUN IN APRIL - Dr. Gregory House is retiring. Producers announced yesterday that House M.D. will air its final episode in April. In a statement, executive producers Hugh Laurie, David Shore and Katie Jacobs said, "After much deliberation, the producers of House M.D. have decided that this season of the show, the eigth, should be the last.

Katy Perry's assets will remain safe, even though she doesn't have a pre-nup with ex Russell Brand.
The British comedian -- who is technically entitled to $20 million of Katy's earnings -- reportedly doesn't want a dime. An insider tells TMZ, "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch [Yiddish for a good person]."

Songs from Luke Bryan, Blake Shelton, Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley are among those included in the new Xbox Kinect game Country Dance All Stars. And fortunately for Luke, the game includes a sing-along element along with dancing. Although he danced as a kid, he says, "Now my knees hurt too bad to drop it like it's hot."

Keith Urban, Jake Owen, Trace Adkins and Wynonna welcomed members of the Navy Seals to Nashville this week for the premiere of Act of Valor. Each of the artists contributed a song for the movie's soundtrack, but Keith was nervous about his. He says, "I've never written for a particular thing before." But he was so moved by the film that he booked studio time before he'd written the song.

The bacon milkshake -Jack in the Box has added it to its menu for as part of its new "Marry Bacon" ad campaign. Don't get this if you're on a diet -- the Jack in the Box website, which lists the bacon shake as a beverage rather than a dessert, says a "regular" 16-ounce bacon shake weighs in at 773 calories with 40 grams of fat. A 24-ounce large is 1081 calories and 54 grams of fat.

A Montana man has been hit with a $1,000 fine after leading police on a high speed chase -- just for the heck of it. John Hughes tailgated a police cruiser for about seven blocks in order to get the attention of the deputy inside, then pulled around and took off -- getting up to 100 miles per hour. The cop gave chase on the interstate for the better part of an hour before Hughes' car was disabled by a spike strip.

A Pennsylvania man who was busted on a DUI charge -- as he was going to post bail for his son, who was being held for driving while intoxicated. Timothy Smith drove about 10 miles to pick up his son, whose name was not released. While he was preparing to fork over the bail money to spring the younger Smith, a trooper noticed a strong smell of alcohol and informed him he'd be joining his son behind bars.

Comic strip lovers have a love-hate relationship with Garfield. If you're one of those folks who wishes the fat ol' feline would use up his ninth life, you might like to see what the daily strip would look like without him -- and you can do just that on GarfieldMinusGarfield.net. Every day, the folks there carefully erase the character, leaving only his sidekick Jon. Creepy? And meow!

Happy birthday to John Williams, who turns 80 today. The Oscar- and Grammy-winning composer and conductor has created many of the most-recognizable movie scores in history -- including Star Wars, Jaws, Superman, E.T. and the Harry Potter films.

California's Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriages, was ruled unconstitutional by a federal appeals panel in San Francisco yesterday. The decision could ultimately bring the issue of gay marriage to the Supreme Court. The proposition, approved by 52-percent of California's voters in 2008, was overturned by the appeals panel in a two-to-one vote.

American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe has no love for his rivals. The Brit called The Voice "gimmicky" and The X Factor an Idol clone. Lythgoe ranted to reporters following news that The Voice was watched by 37.6 million Americans after Sunday's Super Bowl. By comparison, about 19.7 million viewers tuned into last Wednesday's episode of Idol.

According to a new study, Facebook and Twitter are more difficult to resist than cigarettes or alcohol. Researchers from the University of Chicago looked into how addicted people get to social media websites and found that people have almost no control over their urges to check Facebook and Twitter. When they get an urge to check their page, they almost always do.

A SHORTS SIGHTED CRIMINAL - Eli Escalera made his way to a teller window with the shorts perched atop his skull and handed the clerk a note reading, "Give me what are 20s and 50s." The clerk, apparently a stickler for good grammar, asked Escalera what he was asking for, to which he replied "never mind" before fleeing. The bank manager called cops, who apprehended Escalera after a briefs ... er, brief chase.

Two New Mexico men are in custody following one of the cheesiest crimes -- attempted grand theft burrito! Anthony Sanders and Louis Vasquez approached a stranger on the street and asked for a bite of the burrito he was eating. For some odd reason, the man complied and handed over the tortilla-wrapped treat -- only to find that Sanders and Vasquez were planning to make a run for the border instead of returning it.

Whether you like tattoos and think they look great at any age, or you're thinking of getting a tattoo but are afraid of how it might look when you're old, you need to check out OldPeopleWithTats.tumblr.com.

The Los Angeles Unified School District's superintendent announced yesterday that the entire staff of the Los Angeles elementary school where two teachers were arrested last week for alleged lewd acts on students will be replaced.
Superintendent John Deasy said during a meeting last night with parents that all staff -- from custodians to teachers -- at Miramonte Elementary School will undergo special training.

If NBC gets fined for M.I.A.'s surprise bird during Madonna's Super Bowl Halftime performance, the rapper may have to foot the bill. TMZ is reporting that M.I.A. signed a contract that specified that she'd be responsible for any fine related to her performance, not NBC or the NFL.

Just how many cosmetic surgeries has Joan Rivers had? 739, to be exact. The comedian revealed the number to Australia's Daily Telegraph. She joked, "Every weekend I just go in and I do something new. I get a 10th one free. It's a little like coffee you just keep going." . She visited a tattoo parlor on her 78th birthday but decided against it.

One of the Bieb's bodyguards, a former Israeli soldier, knocked out a photographer with one punch at LAX yesterday. According to TMZ, the singer "was getting into an SUV to leave the airport, when a photog ran in front of the car to take several shots." The bodyguard then tried to escort the paparazzo to the sidewalk, but the guy took a swing at him. That's when the bodyguard threw his KO punch.

Simpsons toys and Barbie dolls have been banned in Iran. The country's Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults didn't give a specific reason for the decision. But the organization's secretary of policymaking did point out that any doll that has distinguishable adult genitals, or any dolls of adults at all, are banned "because these dolls are promoters of Western culture."

Randy Travis was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication in Sanger, Texas early Monday morning. According to Dallas's NBC affiliate, he was spotted outside the First Baptist Church with an open bottle of wine. Randy was booked into the Denton County jail at 1:30 a.m. Monday and was released several hours later.

An Arizona man got tangled in his own criminal web when he was caught shoplifting from a pet store -- by stuffing a pair of tarantulas down his pants. Clerks at Reptiles and Reefs recognized Adam Hartman immediately, since he's a regular customer who'd even filled out an application to work at the exotic animal shop. They handed a surveillance tape over to cops, who hauled him in on misdemeanor theft charges.

Maureen Raymond in Florida was weaving over the highway's double yellow lines at high speed, leading a deputy to pull her over. The officer said she smelled strongly of booze and was slurring her words: When he asked her if she was suffering from any injuries, she replied that she had "whiplash and big boobies." The deputy stepped in when she started taking off her clothes to prove the validity of the second claim.

Bowing to public pressure and a lot of negative publicity, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation announced on Friday that they're reversing their decision to halt funding Planned Parenthood. Last week, Komen's decision that it would no longer give grants to Planned Parenthood because they were under investigation for possible wrongdoing was greeted by public outcry with some suggesting political maneuvering .

Kim Kardashian is running scared. The reality star reportedly got "so freaked" after a stranger rang the doorbell at her Beverly Hills home last weekend that she's moving out. Kim is now looking to buy a home in a gated community with round-the-clock security.Last month a man showed up at her house with luggage and insisted she invited him to stay with her.

HE WAS IN A HURRY ... A 65-year-old Tennessee man wasn't about to sit idly while another vehicle blocked his car -- even if that vehicle was an ambulance ... with a patient being loaded onto it. Warren Melamed was upset that the ambulance was blocking his car -- so he decided it to get in and move it -- despite the fact that paramedics were putting a patient inside.

You know they jack up the prices around any event, but an Indiana couple didn't expect to pay nearly 3000 bucks ... for two beers. The two were attending the NFL Experience at the Indiana Convention Center and used their credit card to buy two beers at the concession stand. It should have cost them 14 dollars, but they found out later that their credit card had been charged $2,995.

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says there's a strong likelihood that Israel will attack Iran in April, May or June in an attempt to derail their nuclear program. The speculation based on that Israel asked to postpone a planned U.S.-Israel military exercise that was set for May, after the country's Defense Minister Ehud Barak said Israel couldn't devote the resources necessary for the annual exercise.

After press reports suggested that real estate mogul Donald Trump would endorse Newt Gingrich for the Republican presidential nomination, Trump surprised some yesterday by endorsing Mitt Romney. Trump said that he was endorsing Romney because he won't "allow bad things to continue to happen to us."

Insiders say Demi Moore is "insanely" obsessed with being thin and staying young -- even by Hollywood standards. A so-called pal says her daily diet has been "Red Bull for breakfast. Red Bull for lunch. Red Bull for dinner, with a lettuce leaf and a tablespoon -- yes a tablespoon! -- of tuna fish thrown in... That's it."

Roseanne Barr wants to be President. She has filed documents to become the Green Party's nominee in the 2012 presidential election. In a statement, she said, "The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants -- bought and paid for by the 1 percent -- who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people." And what's in our best interest? She thinks it's legalizing pot.

Gisele Bundchen thinks her hubby needs a little extra help winning the Super Bowl. The supermodel recently sent an email to friends and family imploring them to pray for Tom Brady and the Patriots to beat the Giants Sunday. In it, she writes, "I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time."

Kim Kardashian spent some time in church Sunday and was so moved by the service that she Tweeted about it and pledged to return the next week. She also said, "I want to start a Bible study group with my friends." Kim attended Live Change Community Church in Agoura Hills, California.

Careful the next time you're singing Kenny Chesney song at a karaoke bar -- a California man was shot five times by his father last week for doing just that. According to KRCR TV, William Oller Junior doesn't remember what song he was singing, but his father heard it, didn't approve and became violent. But Junior has no hard feelings even though his dad has been arrested.

ABC has picked up the pilot for her show Malibu Country. Reba McEntire, who was the victim of a death hoax earlier this week, Tweeted, "Well, it's a great week when you find out you're not dead and everyone at ABC loves the pilot script." The show is about a singer who moves from Nashville to Southern California with her kids to revive her career after she's dumped by her rock-star husband.

Taylor Swift has donated 14,000 books to the Nashville Public Library. The books that don't make it onto the shelves will be given to low-income families and day-care centers. The donation is one of the largest the library system has ever had.

Two Ohio farmers Richard and David Conrad decided to butter up the critters in order to increase milk production, so they invested nearly $70,000 for 240 waterbeds designed especially for bovine use. The Conrads say that the cows are happier, and just like that commercial says, the happy cows produce better tasting, better-quality milk.

A police officer in Virginia found himself in the middle of a cockfight when he went to serve a warrant and got attacked by a rooster. Deputy Tom Wood was heading for the front door, and had a can of mace in his hand, but he was distracted by the barking of a large dog in the yard. While the deputy was looking at the dog, the rooster launched itself at his privates -- connecting with enough force to double him over.

The Susan G. Komen for the Cure breast-cancer foundation's decision to yesterday stop funding Planned Parenthood led to an immediate response. Some 6,000 donors gave more than $400,000 to Planned Parenthood, while Komen took a hit with criticism coming from members of Congress, liberal advocacy groups and some newspapers.

MITT ROMNEY: Takes Heat for "Very Poor" Remark - When Romney was questioned about his statement by CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien, he said, "You can choose where to focus. You can focus on the rich; that's not my focus. You can focus on the very poor; that's not my focus. My focus is on middle-income Americans."

One more reason to get a GPS. You can now be guided to your destination by Marge Simpson and Mr. Burns. Both voice packs are available from TomTom's website for $13 each. Homer's voice has been available for a few years.

Toby Keith's mother and his siblings will receive a $2.8 million judgment against a bus company that caused the death of his father, H.K. Covel. An appeals court had overturned the judgment, but Oklahoma's state Supreme Court has reinstated it. In 2001, Mr. Covel's truck was bumped in the rear, sending him across a median and into the path of the bus, which experts concluded had faulty brakes.

It looks like Taylor Swift won't be playing Eponine in the film version of Les Miserables. According to Broadway World, Samantha Barks, who played the part in the 25th anniversary concert, has won the coveted role.

Jason Elia of Nashville had the perfect Super Bowl weekend planned with his girlfriend. He bought two tickets to the game and was going to surprise her with a marriage proposal during the game. But then, Jason was diagnosed with bladder cancer. She dumped him because of having a boyfriend with cancer. Jason says she calls every day demanding the tickets, arguing that he bought them for her so she should have them.

An Ohio woman caused a situation at a tax preparation office when she burst in and pulled a stick-up -- using a curling iron as her weapon.
Sonia Watson, who had a consultation a few days before, entered with a towel draped over the device and fled with a grand total of $280. The branch manager said he was shocked to be robbed by "a customer, where we have every piece of their information, their private information."

Janet Jackson's infamous Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction" happened on this day in 2004. 90 million people, most of whom can't even remember what teams played in the game, have a vivid memory of seeing Justin Timberlake expose Janet's right breast. Oh and like it even matters, the Patriots beat the Panthers.

Police are alleging that a Los Angeles teacher bound and gagged children, covered them with cockroaches and feed them his bodily fluids.
The teacher, 61-year-old Mark Berndt of Miramonte Elementary was charged yesterday with 23 felony counts of lewd acts upon a child. After a year-long investigation, Berndt was arrested on Monday.

After the X Factor leader cleaned house, firing Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger and host Steve Jones, Simon released a statement saying it was just business. "You do develop friendships with the people you work with and Paula, in particular, is a very close friend and I expect to be working with her on another project in the near future." Paula claims she harbors no ill will.

Nashville's Ryman Auditorium will undergo a renovation following Keith Urban's Opry at the Ryman performance on Friday. Builders will install a stronger, more durable stage, to replace the one which has been in use for 61 years and has supported everyone from Patsy Cline and Elvis Presley to Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay. Round-the-clock security will monitor the stage's removal.

Reba McEntire is the most recent victim of an Internet death hoax. She writes on her WhoSay account, "There's a rumor going around that I died after falling off a mountain in Austria yesterday while shooting a movie. While I would love to be shooting a movie in Austria, I definitely did not fall off a mountain. Nor am I dead." She was, in fact, watching son Shelby in an auto race.