A Massachusetts crook ended up getting smoked when he approached a woman on the street to bum a cigarette -- just two days after stealing her purse. Malek Matos produced a knife and threatened to stab the woman if she didn't hand over her purse, so she complied. He ran off, but ran into her again outside the Department of Motor Vehicles, where she asked a clerk to call cops -- who quickly arrived to haul Matos away.

Just about everyone has heard of the Onion, the hilarious fake news site. And every once, in a while we hear about a politician or celebrity who mistakes an Onion headline for a real story. But you know, that's forgivable. After all, there are plenty of real headlines that sound like they could be from the Onion. Find some funny ones at OnionLike.tumblr.com.

Donald Trump welcomed 18 new celebrity contestants on last night's season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice.: Clay Aiken; Dee Snider; George Takei; Adam Carolla; Penn Jillette; Lou Ferrigno; Arsenio Hall; Aubrey O'Day ; Cheryl Tiegs (model); Dayana Mendoza; Debbie Gibson; Lisa Lampanelli ; Michael Andrett; Patricia Valasquez; Teresa Giudice; Paul Teutul, Sr.; Tia Carrere; and Victoria Gotti.

The third Monday in February is a federal holiday. But Presidents Day is not its official name. What is? It is Washington's Birthday.

Elizabeth Smart married her boyfriend of one year, Matthew Gilmour, in a private ceremony Saturday in Hawaii. Elizabeth made headlines in 2002 when she was kidnapped from her home at age 14.

Lindsay Lohan will host Saturday Night Live on March 3rd -- because she wants to remind people she's an actress, and not a defendant. According to sources, Linds reached out to producer Lorne Michaels and after some back and forth agreed on a date. Insiders tell TMZ she feels that Lorne has been very fatherly towards her throughout the years.

An Ohio elementary school was far from the happiest place on earth after officials put it on lockdown over a parent who came to visit while dressed as Mickey Mouse. The woman wanted to surprise her daughter's class by wearing the outfit for a Valentine's Day party, but failed to tell the school's principal about the costume, which she showed up wearing -- then changed out of in a restroom.

A California man got some positive feedback after selling an old safe on E-Bay -- not realizing there was more than $25,000 in cash stashed inside. James Labreque put the safe up for grabs because he had no room for it -- and he didn't have the combination to open it. The buyer gave Labreque a thumbs-up on the transaction -- and shared the news about the little cash bonus and told "finders keepers."

A small private plane that was carrying 40 pounds of marijuana chose to invade the wrong airspace yesterday (Thursday) morning. Just before President Obama was set to leave Los Angeles International Airport for San Francisco, the small plane entered restricted airspace and North American Aerospace Defense Command scrambled two F-16 fighter jets. The Cessna 182 was intercepted by the jets and was forced to land.

Gas prices are once again on the rise with some experts predicting that they'll hit the $4-per-gallon mark by summer, possibly as early as Memorial Day weekend. For now, the average price per gallon is $3.52, which is up 14 cents a gallon from a month ago. There are several reasons for the price increase, including the continuing unrest in the Middle East and upgrades to refineries in the U.S.

You haven't really made it until you're linked to a Kardashian. Congratulations, Jeremy Lin -- you've made it! Kim reportedly had her publicist arrange a date between her and the basketball sensation. Considering the fact that Kim has already dated most of the NFL and NBA, this isn't as farfetched as it seems.

Whitney Houston's Bodyguard co-star Kevin Costner will be among the speakers at her funeral.
Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder and Alicia Keys will sing at the invitation-only service, which takes place tomorrow at the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, New Jersey. Clive Davis is set to speak. Among those on the guest list are Oprah Winfrey, Chaka Khan, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Antonio "L.A." Reid, Ray J and Brandy.

A bunch of San Diego cops spent much of Tuesday afternoon engaged in a tense standoff surrounding a car at the side of a freeway -- not realizing that the vehicle was completely empty.
Officers spotted the car on Interstate 8 and called for reinforcements, who arrived and began negotiating via loudspeaker. After receiving no response for two hours, they consulted with headquarters and decided to send in a K-9 unit.

Guys normally get brownie points for sending flowers to their wives on Valentine's Day, but one Wisconsin man got something much different for his trouble -- a one-way trip to the pokey. Zachary Zelko sent a bouquet and a note to his estranged sweetie earlier this week, letting his inner romantic make the choice even though he had a restraining order out against him.

You may soon start receiving fewer of those annoying computer-generated telemarketing phone calls known as "robocalls." Yesterday the Federal Communications Commission approved a tougher set of restrictions to help curb the calls. Under the new rules, telemarketers must obtain written consent and can no longer assume that they can make the calls because a person had previously had done business with the telemarketer.

Think you watch a lot of TV? Jeremiah Franco and Carin Shreve recently set a new Guinness World Record by watching a continuous 86 hours and 37 minutes of The Simpsons. The competition, hosted by FOX, took place between February 8th and 12th in L.A. It began with 100 contestants but was eventually narrowed down to the two mega-Simpsons fans.

Whitney Houston's private funeral won't be so private after all. Fans will be able to watch the ceremony Saturday in Newark, New Jersey on the Internet. The AP will stream the service on livestream.com/aplive.

While Kenny Chesney was away from his Nashville home, an uninvited guest made herself comfortable next to the pool -- at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning. Melissa Mansfield took a bus from Knoxville to Nashville and hired a limo to deliver her to Kenny's property. She was accompanied by at least one bottle of wine when police found her hiding in a poolside restroom. Mansfield claimed to be dating Kenny.

A Minnesota man couldn't quite make a clean getaway after a year-long stealing spree in which he lifted more than $25,000 worth of detergent from a supermarket near his home. Patrick Paul Costanzo snuck the suds out of the store a few bottles at a time, stockpiling enough Tide to do more than 80,000 loads of laundry in the process. Sounds like he's in hot water -- unless his lawyer can spin things favorably.

Seemingly flying in the face of U.S., European and Israeli concerns, Iran said yesterday that its President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will reveal "key nuclear achievements" today. An Iranian news agency tipped that he was likely to announce that a new uranium enrichment plant, built inside a mountain, near Qum is now "fully operational."

Add Kenny Rogers to the list of recording artists suing for unpaid royalties. The country-pop icon says Capitol owes him $400,000 for digital downloads, ringtones and other uses of his music. The number is based on results of an audit Rogers commissioned -- but it might be higher. In his suit, Rogers claims he's entitled to a 50 percent cut from sales through sources such as iTunes and Verizon Wireless.

In Croatia, a museum is open this Valentine's Day that features artifacts collected from people who have endured breakups and heartache. The Museum of Broken Relationships has such things as A garden gnome thrown in a fit of rage at a car during a violent breakup. A teddy bear that was once a Valentine's Day present. An ax that smashed through household furniture.

Cops thought a college student in Mississippi was set to commit an act that was truly deadly -- when he was really only considering something silent-but-deadly. Wayne Hadley Jr. was arrested at his home on suspicion of making a bomb threat -- delivered by writing the word "bomb" on a roll of toilet paper. But Hadley's aunt said the young man was pondering an explosion of another kind.

A Kansas college student got a lesson about reading between the lines when she opened up a textbook that she'd ordered online -- only to find about $400 worth of cocaine stashed inside. Sophia Stockton freaked out when she opened up the copy of Terrorism: Challenges, Perspectives and Issues and found a bag of white powder -- which she assumed was anthrax.

"Occupy Valentine's Day" is the message of the 99 percent of people who don't like Valentine's Day. Okay, so maybe 99 percent is a bit of an exaggeration, but the Occupy Valentine's Day-ers have their own blog. Check out OccupyVDay.tumblr.com.

PIZZA HUT PROPOSAL - 10% of the year's marriage proposals will take place on Valentine's Day. Pizza Hut, yes Pizza Hut, is offering an engagement package for $10,000 -- you get private limo service, a ruby engagement ring, flowers, fireworks, a personal videographer, breadsticks and a medium cheese pizza -- seriously, this isn't a joke!

An English man who was fuming about not being able to smoke in a pub. Dean Dinnen returned to the bar that booted him wielding a running chainsaw, which he waved wildly at fellow patrons while seeking the man who forced him to put out his smoke. The pup patrons subdued Dinnen by beating him with barstools and pool cues before turning him over to cops.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, like every politician in history, likes to hold babies at campaign stops. MittRomneyConfusingChildren.tumblr.com collects pictures of Romney holding little ones who look much less interested than he does.

Country stars were shocked to hear the news of Whitney Houston's death, but perhaps none were more affected than "I Will Always Love You" writer Dolly Parton. On her website, Dolly wrote, "Mine is only one of the millions of hearts broken over the death of Whitney Houston. I can truly say from the bottom of my heart, 'Whitney, I will always love you. You will be missed.'"

The 54th Grammy Awards - Adele was the top winner, with six statues, followed by Foo Fighters with five and Kanye West, who did not attend the ceremony, with four. Skrillex took three. A number of artists got two each: Taylor Swift, Kirk Franklin, Bon Iver, Cee Lo Green, Melanie Fiona, Fergie, Kid Cudi, Civil Wars, Rihanna and Tony Bennett, whose duet with Queen Latifah also received recognition for its arrangement.

Vocal icon Whitney Houston died on Saturday. She was 48. Paramedics were called to the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where she was staying and was scheduled to attend a gala party Saturday night, but were unable to revive her. She was declared dead at 3:55 pm PT. An autopsy was performed Sunday, but the cause of death won't be announced until the results of a toxicology report are in which normally takes four to six weeks.

A delicatessen in Portland, Oregon, is offering romantic bouquets of salami for the meat-lover in your life, but they don't come cheap. Three long-stemmed salamis will run you 75 bucks, while a six-stem bunch is an even 100 dollars. As a bonus, the delivery dude will serenade the recipient with a chorus or two of "Love Is Where the Meat Is." Sounds kind of hammy to us!

Theron Humphrey is a photographer who loves to travel around the country snapping pictures. Maddie is his dog who loves to stand on things. Their passions unite in this great new blog, MaddieOnThings.com.

In documents released by the FBI yesterday, those who knew late Apple co-founder Steve Jobs praised him, saying he had integrity and conducted business in a reputable manner. They even recommended him for a post within the George H.W. Bush administration. The interviews, conducted in 1991, were for a an appointment to the President's Export Council, which Jobs did serve on.

Even divorce can't stop Katy Perry from smiling. The former couple reached a "comprehensive written settlement of all issues" and Katy requested to legally return to her maiden name. Russell walked away without a dime of Katy's fortune. No word if he was smiling, too.

A Florida man who was busted for getting into a scuffle with his wife will have to answer with another strike now that a judge has ordered him to take her bowling as part of his punishment. Judge John Hurley gave very specific instructions to Thomas Bray, Hurley ruled, "He's going to go home, pick up his wife, get dressed, take her to Red Lobster. And then after they have Red Lobster, they're going to go bowling."

Ben Stein wants to be compensated for not being in Honda's Ferris Bueller-inspired Super Bowl commercial. Stein, who appeared in the 1986 movie, tells TMZ, "They had a guy imitating my voice. They should've had me in it." But he has a solution. "Just my humble opinion, but since they used my voice, they should give me a top-of-the-line Honda."

HOUSE ENDING ITS RUN IN APRIL - Dr. Gregory House is retiring. Producers announced yesterday that House M.D. will air its final episode in April. In a statement, executive producers Hugh Laurie, David Shore and Katie Jacobs said, "After much deliberation, the producers of House M.D. have decided that this season of the show, the eigth, should be the last.

Katy Perry's assets will remain safe, even though she doesn't have a pre-nup with ex Russell Brand.
The British comedian -- who is technically entitled to $20 million of Katy's earnings -- reportedly doesn't want a dime. An insider tells TMZ, "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch [Yiddish for a good person]."

Songs from Luke Bryan, Blake Shelton, Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley are among those included in the new Xbox Kinect game Country Dance All Stars. And fortunately for Luke, the game includes a sing-along element along with dancing. Although he danced as a kid, he says, "Now my knees hurt too bad to drop it like it's hot."

Keith Urban, Jake Owen, Trace Adkins and Wynonna welcomed members of the Navy Seals to Nashville this week for the premiere of Act of Valor. Each of the artists contributed a song for the movie's soundtrack, but Keith was nervous about his. He says, "I've never written for a particular thing before." But he was so moved by the film that he booked studio time before he'd written the song.

The bacon milkshake -Jack in the Box has added it to its menu for as part of its new "Marry Bacon" ad campaign. Don't get this if you're on a diet -- the Jack in the Box website, which lists the bacon shake as a beverage rather than a dessert, says a "regular" 16-ounce bacon shake weighs in at 773 calories with 40 grams of fat. A 24-ounce large is 1081 calories and 54 grams of fat.

A Montana man has been hit with a $1,000 fine after leading police on a high speed chase -- just for the heck of it. John Hughes tailgated a police cruiser for about seven blocks in order to get the attention of the deputy inside, then pulled around and took off -- getting up to 100 miles per hour. The cop gave chase on the interstate for the better part of an hour before Hughes' car was disabled by a spike strip.

A Pennsylvania man who was busted on a DUI charge -- as he was going to post bail for his son, who was being held for driving while intoxicated. Timothy Smith drove about 10 miles to pick up his son, whose name was not released. While he was preparing to fork over the bail money to spring the younger Smith, a trooper noticed a strong smell of alcohol and informed him he'd be joining his son behind bars.

Comic strip lovers have a love-hate relationship with Garfield. If you're one of those folks who wishes the fat ol' feline would use up his ninth life, you might like to see what the daily strip would look like without him -- and you can do just that on GarfieldMinusGarfield.net. Every day, the folks there carefully erase the character, leaving only his sidekick Jon. Creepy? And meow!

Happy birthday to John Williams, who turns 80 today. The Oscar- and Grammy-winning composer and conductor has created many of the most-recognizable movie scores in history -- including Star Wars, Jaws, Superman, E.T. and the Harry Potter films.

California's Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriages, was ruled unconstitutional by a federal appeals panel in San Francisco yesterday. The decision could ultimately bring the issue of gay marriage to the Supreme Court. The proposition, approved by 52-percent of California's voters in 2008, was overturned by the appeals panel in a two-to-one vote.

American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe has no love for his rivals. The Brit called The Voice "gimmicky" and The X Factor an Idol clone. Lythgoe ranted to reporters following news that The Voice was watched by 37.6 million Americans after Sunday's Super Bowl. By comparison, about 19.7 million viewers tuned into last Wednesday's episode of Idol.

According to a new study, Facebook and Twitter are more difficult to resist than cigarettes or alcohol. Researchers from the University of Chicago looked into how addicted people get to social media websites and found that people have almost no control over their urges to check Facebook and Twitter. When they get an urge to check their page, they almost always do.

A SHORTS SIGHTED CRIMINAL - Eli Escalera made his way to a teller window with the shorts perched atop his skull and handed the clerk a note reading, "Give me what are 20s and 50s." The clerk, apparently a stickler for good grammar, asked Escalera what he was asking for, to which he replied "never mind" before fleeing. The bank manager called cops, who apprehended Escalera after a briefs ... er, brief chase.

Two New Mexico men are in custody following one of the cheesiest crimes -- attempted grand theft burrito! Anthony Sanders and Louis Vasquez approached a stranger on the street and asked for a bite of the burrito he was eating. For some odd reason, the man complied and handed over the tortilla-wrapped treat -- only to find that Sanders and Vasquez were planning to make a run for the border instead of returning it.

Whether you like tattoos and think they look great at any age, or you're thinking of getting a tattoo but are afraid of how it might look when you're old, you need to check out OldPeopleWithTats.tumblr.com.

The Los Angeles Unified School District's superintendent announced yesterday that the entire staff of the Los Angeles elementary school where two teachers were arrested last week for alleged lewd acts on students will be replaced.
Superintendent John Deasy said during a meeting last night with parents that all staff -- from custodians to teachers -- at Miramonte Elementary School will undergo special training.

If NBC gets fined for M.I.A.'s surprise bird during Madonna's Super Bowl Halftime performance, the rapper may have to foot the bill. TMZ is reporting that M.I.A. signed a contract that specified that she'd be responsible for any fine related to her performance, not NBC or the NFL.

Just how many cosmetic surgeries has Joan Rivers had? 739, to be exact. The comedian revealed the number to Australia's Daily Telegraph. She joked, "Every weekend I just go in and I do something new. I get a 10th one free. It's a little like coffee you just keep going." . She visited a tattoo parlor on her 78th birthday but decided against it.

One of the Bieb's bodyguards, a former Israeli soldier, knocked out a photographer with one punch at LAX yesterday. According to TMZ, the singer "was getting into an SUV to leave the airport, when a photog ran in front of the car to take several shots." The bodyguard then tried to escort the paparazzo to the sidewalk, but the guy took a swing at him. That's when the bodyguard threw his KO punch.

Simpsons toys and Barbie dolls have been banned in Iran. The country's Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults didn't give a specific reason for the decision. But the organization's secretary of policymaking did point out that any doll that has distinguishable adult genitals, or any dolls of adults at all, are banned "because these dolls are promoters of Western culture."

Randy Travis was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication in Sanger, Texas early Monday morning. According to Dallas's NBC affiliate, he was spotted outside the First Baptist Church with an open bottle of wine. Randy was booked into the Denton County jail at 1:30 a.m. Monday and was released several hours later.

An Arizona man got tangled in his own criminal web when he was caught shoplifting from a pet store -- by stuffing a pair of tarantulas down his pants. Clerks at Reptiles and Reefs recognized Adam Hartman immediately, since he's a regular customer who'd even filled out an application to work at the exotic animal shop. They handed a surveillance tape over to cops, who hauled him in on misdemeanor theft charges.

Maureen Raymond in Florida was weaving over the highway's double yellow lines at high speed, leading a deputy to pull her over. The officer said she smelled strongly of booze and was slurring her words: When he asked her if she was suffering from any injuries, she replied that she had "whiplash and big boobies." The deputy stepped in when she started taking off her clothes to prove the validity of the second claim.

Bowing to public pressure and a lot of negative publicity, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation announced on Friday that they're reversing their decision to halt funding Planned Parenthood. Last week, Komen's decision that it would no longer give grants to Planned Parenthood because they were under investigation for possible wrongdoing was greeted by public outcry with some suggesting political maneuvering .

Kim Kardashian is running scared. The reality star reportedly got "so freaked" after a stranger rang the doorbell at her Beverly Hills home last weekend that she's moving out. Kim is now looking to buy a home in a gated community with round-the-clock security.Last month a man showed up at her house with luggage and insisted she invited him to stay with her.

HE WAS IN A HURRY ... A 65-year-old Tennessee man wasn't about to sit idly while another vehicle blocked his car -- even if that vehicle was an ambulance ... with a patient being loaded onto it. Warren Melamed was upset that the ambulance was blocking his car -- so he decided it to get in and move it -- despite the fact that paramedics were putting a patient inside.

You know they jack up the prices around any event, but an Indiana couple didn't expect to pay nearly 3000 bucks ... for two beers. The two were attending the NFL Experience at the Indiana Convention Center and used their credit card to buy two beers at the concession stand. It should have cost them 14 dollars, but they found out later that their credit card had been charged $2,995.

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says there's a strong likelihood that Israel will attack Iran in April, May or June in an attempt to derail their nuclear program. The speculation based on that Israel asked to postpone a planned U.S.-Israel military exercise that was set for May, after the country's Defense Minister Ehud Barak said Israel couldn't devote the resources necessary for the annual exercise.

After press reports suggested that real estate mogul Donald Trump would endorse Newt Gingrich for the Republican presidential nomination, Trump surprised some yesterday by endorsing Mitt Romney. Trump said that he was endorsing Romney because he won't "allow bad things to continue to happen to us."

Insiders say Demi Moore is "insanely" obsessed with being thin and staying young -- even by Hollywood standards. A so-called pal says her daily diet has been "Red Bull for breakfast. Red Bull for lunch. Red Bull for dinner, with a lettuce leaf and a tablespoon -- yes a tablespoon! -- of tuna fish thrown in... That's it."

Roseanne Barr wants to be President. She has filed documents to become the Green Party's nominee in the 2012 presidential election. In a statement, she said, "The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants -- bought and paid for by the 1 percent -- who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people." And what's in our best interest? She thinks it's legalizing pot.

Gisele Bundchen thinks her hubby needs a little extra help winning the Super Bowl. The supermodel recently sent an email to friends and family imploring them to pray for Tom Brady and the Patriots to beat the Giants Sunday. In it, she writes, "I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time."

Kim Kardashian spent some time in church Sunday and was so moved by the service that she Tweeted about it and pledged to return the next week. She also said, "I want to start a Bible study group with my friends." Kim attended Live Change Community Church in Agoura Hills, California.

Careful the next time you're singing Kenny Chesney song at a karaoke bar -- a California man was shot five times by his father last week for doing just that. According to KRCR TV, William Oller Junior doesn't remember what song he was singing, but his father heard it, didn't approve and became violent. But Junior has no hard feelings even though his dad has been arrested.

ABC has picked up the pilot for her show Malibu Country. Reba McEntire, who was the victim of a death hoax earlier this week, Tweeted, "Well, it's a great week when you find out you're not dead and everyone at ABC loves the pilot script." The show is about a singer who moves from Nashville to Southern California with her kids to revive her career after she's dumped by her rock-star husband.

Taylor Swift has donated 14,000 books to the Nashville Public Library. The books that don't make it onto the shelves will be given to low-income families and day-care centers. The donation is one of the largest the library system has ever had.

Two Ohio farmers Richard and David Conrad decided to butter up the critters in order to increase milk production, so they invested nearly $70,000 for 240 waterbeds designed especially for bovine use. The Conrads say that the cows are happier, and just like that commercial says, the happy cows produce better tasting, better-quality milk.

A police officer in Virginia found himself in the middle of a cockfight when he went to serve a warrant and got attacked by a rooster. Deputy Tom Wood was heading for the front door, and had a can of mace in his hand, but he was distracted by the barking of a large dog in the yard. While the deputy was looking at the dog, the rooster launched itself at his privates -- connecting with enough force to double him over.

The Susan G. Komen for the Cure breast-cancer foundation's decision to yesterday stop funding Planned Parenthood led to an immediate response. Some 6,000 donors gave more than $400,000 to Planned Parenthood, while Komen took a hit with criticism coming from members of Congress, liberal advocacy groups and some newspapers.

MITT ROMNEY: Takes Heat for "Very Poor" Remark - When Romney was questioned about his statement by CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien, he said, "You can choose where to focus. You can focus on the rich; that's not my focus. You can focus on the very poor; that's not my focus. My focus is on middle-income Americans."

One more reason to get a GPS. You can now be guided to your destination by Marge Simpson and Mr. Burns. Both voice packs are available from TomTom's website for $13 each. Homer's voice has been available for a few years.

Toby Keith's mother and his siblings will receive a $2.8 million judgment against a bus company that caused the death of his father, H.K. Covel. An appeals court had overturned the judgment, but Oklahoma's state Supreme Court has reinstated it. In 2001, Mr. Covel's truck was bumped in the rear, sending him across a median and into the path of the bus, which experts concluded had faulty brakes.

It looks like Taylor Swift won't be playing Eponine in the film version of Les Miserables. According to Broadway World, Samantha Barks, who played the part in the 25th anniversary concert, has won the coveted role.

Jason Elia of Nashville had the perfect Super Bowl weekend planned with his girlfriend. He bought two tickets to the game and was going to surprise her with a marriage proposal during the game. But then, Jason was diagnosed with bladder cancer. She dumped him because of having a boyfriend with cancer. Jason says she calls every day demanding the tickets, arguing that he bought them for her so she should have them.

An Ohio woman caused a situation at a tax preparation office when she burst in and pulled a stick-up -- using a curling iron as her weapon.
Sonia Watson, who had a consultation a few days before, entered with a towel draped over the device and fled with a grand total of $280. The branch manager said he was shocked to be robbed by "a customer, where we have every piece of their information, their private information."

Janet Jackson's infamous Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction" happened on this day in 2004. 90 million people, most of whom can't even remember what teams played in the game, have a vivid memory of seeing Justin Timberlake expose Janet's right breast. Oh and like it even matters, the Patriots beat the Panthers.

Police are alleging that a Los Angeles teacher bound and gagged children, covered them with cockroaches and feed them his bodily fluids.
The teacher, 61-year-old Mark Berndt of Miramonte Elementary was charged yesterday with 23 felony counts of lewd acts upon a child. After a year-long investigation, Berndt was arrested on Monday.

After the X Factor leader cleaned house, firing Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger and host Steve Jones, Simon released a statement saying it was just business. "You do develop friendships with the people you work with and Paula, in particular, is a very close friend and I expect to be working with her on another project in the near future." Paula claims she harbors no ill will.

Nashville's Ryman Auditorium will undergo a renovation following Keith Urban's Opry at the Ryman performance on Friday. Builders will install a stronger, more durable stage, to replace the one which has been in use for 61 years and has supported everyone from Patsy Cline and Elvis Presley to Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay. Round-the-clock security will monitor the stage's removal.

Reba McEntire is the most recent victim of an Internet death hoax. She writes on her WhoSay account, "There's a rumor going around that I died after falling off a mountain in Austria yesterday while shooting a movie. While I would love to be shooting a movie in Austria, I definitely did not fall off a mountain. Nor am I dead." She was, in fact, watching son Shelby in an auto race.

In a strange case of "trading places," a Florida woman ended up behind bars after deciding to burglarize a neighbor's apparently empty house -- only to get caught when he came home the day he was released from jail. Shellie Leonard broke into the unidentified man's home and stole a knife, some CDs and the curtains off the windows. But when she came back, the home's owner caught her in the act and called cops.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is set to appear on The Simpsons. Assange recorded his lines over the summer while under house arrest for sexual assault. He'll appear on the show's 500th episode, titled "At Long Last Leave." Producer Al Jean tells Entertainment Weekly, "He invites them over for a home movie and it's an Afghan wedding being bombed." The episode airs February 19th.

Judges Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger, as well as host Steve Jones, have parted ways with The X Factor, The Wrap reports. One source said, "They expected Paula to be the goofy girl, and Nicole to be the pretty one. But Paula was so bad that it made none of it work."

An Oklahoma student's photo of a substitute teacher sleeping on the job landed in the hands of administrators and led to a swift punishment ... for the student! The ninth-grader snapped the shot, which shows the male teacher slumped with his eyes closed, and posted it online. School officials saw the picture and punished the student for "using a telecommunications device" -- a violation of district rules.

A New Jersey man is headed for the record books after his small boat made the 3,200-mile journey from Nantucket, Massachusetts, to Spain ... without him in it. Scott Douglas and his brother-in-law were fishing off the New England coast in August of 2008 when they were tossed from their boat in high seas. They swam to shore and assumed the Queen Bee was a lost cause until it reached Spain.

Correction fluid, like Wite-Out and Liquid Paper, has helped people fix writing mistakes for more than 50 years. But it has another function. As one blogger demonstrates, you can also use it to make newspaper headlines and captions a lot more interesting. Check out WhiteOutNews.tumblr.com.

Kim Kardashian said of Kris Humphries, "He's a good heart, he's a Christian -- everything on paper I want in someone, but for some reason, my heart isn't connecting...He fell in love with me and I fell in love with him and now all my feelings have changed...I invited all these people to this huge wedding and flew everyone out, wasted everyone's time and everyone's money -- everyone's everything -- and I feel bad."

SPICE GIRLS REUNITING FOR THE QUEEN
Girl Power is making a comeback. The Spice Girls are set to reunite for the Queen's Jubilee concert June 4th in the U.K. Mel B let the news slip during an Australian TV interview when asked whether the girl band will perform at the 2012 London Olympic Games. "Ooh, I think the Queen's Jubilee concert is the event I'd be looking at more closely for that to happen," she said.

In the wake of her father-in-law's death, Miranda Lambert is coping with another tragedy. She posted on Twitter, "I have lost a friend I've had since third grade today in a tragic accident. When will this pain end? My friend is Mark Adams."
According to Florida's Orlando Sentinel, Mark had pulled off the interstate to assist a stranded motorist. As he reached her window, an SUV drifted off the road and hit him.

According to a new British study, working overtime could double your risk of depression. It's common sense that having mental troubles can lead to problems at work -- but researchers found that the reverse is also true, that working too much can cause mental troubles. The scientists found a big people who worked 11 or more hours a day were twice as likely to be depressed.

A mayoral election in Italy will be decided by the poles, and not the polls -- because the two main candidates are planning a pole-dancing contest as part of the campaign. Amandha Fox and Luana Borgia, both of whom have worked in the adult film industry, are vying to be mayor of the town of Taranto. While the pair faces other opposition, they're the only ones to accept the offer to reveal their positions in public.

A British girl collapsed at school was found to have overdosed on Chicken McNuggets! 17-year-old Stacey Irvine has eaten McNuggets every day for the past 15 years, and admits she's never touched fruit or greens -- a diet that resulted in her developing anemia and swollen veins in her tongue.
Despite being held in intensive care and given intravenous vitamins to counteract damage, she's not about to nix the nuggets.

A legally blind 18-year-old high school student in Arkansas has managed to cut through obstacles by learning how to operate a chainsaw. When Jackson Matteri was 16-months old, he suffered from a brain tumor that damaged his vision. He says, "I was just always under the impression that blind people can't use chainsaws because a lot of people say, 'Oh gosh, you're using a chainsaw,' that's a scary thought you know."

Yesterday during a public memorial for the late former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, Nike founder and chairman Phil Knight defended Paterno, saying that he did the right thing by reporting assistant coach Jerry Sandusky's alleged sexual abuse of young boys to university officials, but not to police. Knight received a standing ovation for making the comments.

Drew Carey and his longtime fiancee Nicole Jaracz have called off their engagement. His rep tells People magazine, "He and Nicole still have a great deal of love and affection for one another. He will still be very involved with their son's life." The two, who announced their engagement in October 2007, have a six-year-old son together.

POP GOES THE WEASEL - A woman in Massachusetts was popped for destroying a bottle-return machine by feeding it full soda cans -- which she'd just bought with a stolen food stamp card. Tina Cafarelli purchased 18 twelve-packs of soda with an electronic benefits card, then went outside and immediately began putting them into the machine to get the deposit money.

You make fun of just about everyone who has the Justin Bieber hairstyle, but admit it -- you've often wondered how you'd look with those Bieber locks. Wonder no more. Check out BieberIt.com and Bieberize yourself.

On this day in 1998, President Bill Clinton went on TV to announce that he "did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."

A U.S. assault team, including some of the same Navy SEALs that killed Osama bin Laden, pulled of a dramatic rescue of American and Danish hostages and killed their nine kidnappers on Tuesday night. The mission was just wrapping up before President Obama's State of the Union address, and the president mysteriously congratulated Defense Secretary Leon Panetta prior to his speech.

Talk about a dry spell. Project Runway host Tim Gunn made a shocking admission on his new daytime talk show The Revolution. On Tuesday's episode, he said, "I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely." Gunn explained that he chose to remain celibate after a bad breakup in the '80s.

DEMI DID NOT WHIP IT GOOD - It was nitrous oxide that sent Demi Moore to the hospital earlier this week, according to TMZ. The actress was allegedly doing whip-its, which are canisters of nitrous oxide that can be inhaled. A pal says Demi had a reaction after inhaling the nitrous and lapsed into semi-consciousness.

Merle Haggard has been re-admitted to a Macon, Georgia hospital after being released last Friday following treatment for double pneumonia. He was headed back to California on his tour bus when he fell ill again. Doctors are awaiting test results, but they expect Merle to be well enough to travel in a month. His late February tour dates haven't been rescheduled yet.

First off its a sad day, today is my birthday, I turn 29 years old of celebrating my escape from the womb. One last year to enjoy my youth.

The fundamentalists in charge of Iran have declared public enemy number one --Barbie! Barbie was first banned in Iran back in the '90s, but the nation's leaders have just started a major new crackdown. Barbies are being pulled off shelves by police, who have shut dozens of stores peddling her and her Dream House. Iranian officials have introduced twin girls named Dara and Sara, who sport headscarves and long dresses.

A Los Angeles man is facing a number of charges after he tried to join a different sort of mile high club. Adam Blumenkranz was on a JetBlue flight from Fort Lauderdale to Newark, New Jersey, when he aroused flight crew suspicions by dropping a Ziploc bag with an odd substance inside. He picked up his parcel and retreated to the bathroom, where a "strong odor of marijuana" began seeping through the door.

An Illinois man found himself behind bars after calling 911 to report a fight -- one he wanted to have with a police officer.

John Pacella dialed the emergency number to say he needed to have cops sent to his address because he wanted to fight them. The dispatcher, eager to keep a citizen happy, obliged and sent a pair of deputies to Pacella's place, leading him to immediately start flailing at them.

Looking for the purr-fect collection of cat GIFs? No need to go clawing around the Internet. You can find loads of them at CatGifPage.com.

Mitt Romney is near the top of the top one-percent, according to tax returns. The 2010 adjusted gross income of Romney and his wife, Ann, adds up to $21.7 million, according to their tax return. According to their tax return, the Romneys paid an effective tax rate of 13.9-percent on their 2010 adjusted gross income, far below the 22-percent average that IRS data reveal the wealthiest citizens paid in 2009.

Jay Leno is being sued for poking fun at the Sikh religion. The Tonight Show host recently joked about Mitt Romney spending his summers in a solid gold palace and then flashed a photo of India's Harmandir Sahib, considered holy by Sikhs. That prompted Dr. Randeep Dhillon of Bakersfield, California to file a libel suit against Leno, claiming he's responsible for encouraging hatred and ridicule of his religion.

Jimmy Fallon has no problem taking orders from women. In fact, he prefers it. So claims a fired staffer who's suing the late-night host for gender bias. In the lawsuit, Paul Tarascio claims he was canned as first stage manager at Late Night and replaced by a "totally incompetent woman" two years ago. He says other male staffers were also replaced by women at the comedian's request.

GARTH BROOKS: Wins $1 Million in Hospital Suit - Garth Brooks emerged victorious in his court battle with a hospital last night when an Oklahoma jury ruled in his favor and decided to award him $1 million which includes $500,000 in punitive damages plus original amount. Garth sued Integris Health after he donated $500,000 but they failed to honor his request to name a building after his late mother, Colleen.

KIM KEEPS THE KASH- According to Fox News, Ms. K recently auctioned off some items on eBay for the "Charity Auction Supporting the Dream Foundation," but she only gave a measly 10 percent of the cash to the actual organization. 10 percent is the absolute minimum you can give when it goes through eBay, by the way. She pocketed the rest of the money. You just showed that it's possible to lose even more respect for you.

A woman in China thought her life was in the toilet, so she made a bold decision -- to never leave the toilet! Leong Mee Yan sat down on the throne in her apartment in March of 2009 and spent the next 900 days stuck there -- not by Super Glue, but by her own thoughts. She says she felt a strong force holding her there and imagined she'd be pelted with rocks if she tried to leave.

You know how sometimes you feel like you need to get away? You may even feel like that right now. Wouldn't it be great to escape your crazy, stressful life for a little while and head to some remote getaway for some alone time? Maybe a middle-of-nowhere cabin would do the trick. FreeCabinPorn.com contains some very enticing photos just for you.

Yesterday morning Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, son of Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul, triggered an alarm during an airport screening in Nashville. When Paul refused to complete the screening process by allowing TSA agents to pat him down, he was escorted to a screening area by local law enforcement. His Dad, Ron Paul said, "The police state in this country is growing out of control."

Disneyland has changed its strict dress code to allowing employees to sport facial hair beginning on February 3rd. Beards and goatees shorter than a quarter of an inch will be allowed, but soul patches are a no-go. The rules still also forbid visible tattoos, body piercings with the exception of women's ears, and "extreme" hairstyles and colors -- men can have shaved heads, but not women.

BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BACK CONTROL OF HER LIFE? Jamie Spears is looking to end his conservatorship over his daughter's affairs in time for her wedding to Jason Trawick -- which reports say will take place February 14th on Maui. Jamie was granted a court-ordered conservatorship over his daughter's life following the pop star's public meltdown which included her infamous head shaving.

LAW & DISORDER: Widow's Car Burglarized At Graveyard - Boca Raton, Florida, a widow, Harriet Singer, was visiting her husband's grave -- when someone smashed out the passenger side window and stole her purse and a shopping bag. The suspect then fled the scene in his getaway car.

A pair of crooks in Chicago proved they were serious about committing a warehouse robbery -- by stealing the entire warehouse! The men used two semi-trucks to pull down the free-standing corrugated structure after calling the owners of neighboring businesses to tell them that it had been sold and was about to be dismantled. They piled the metal into the trucks and drove off to sell it for scrap.

Michael West a Wisconsin man didn't have a ghost of a chance of getting police to believe his story about domestic violence charges brought by his wife -- namely that a ghost was responsible for attacking her. The victim had said that the couple was fighting over an imminent foreclosure, and that West dared her to call 911 if she wanted to stop the argument from escalating. When she did, he flipped out.

Divers recovered another body from Costa Concordia cruise ship yesterday, bringing the death toll to at least 13, as the ship's captain and the cruise line pointed fingers at one another over who's to blame for the shipwreck. An executive for Costa Cruises, which is a unit of Carnvial Corp, admitted ships engage in what is known as "tourist navigation" in which they cruise close to the coast, but done only when safe.

Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords announced yesterday that she'll resign from Congress this week to focus on her recovery from the gunshot wound to the head she suffered a year ago in an assassination attempt that left six dead and 12 others wounded.

Newt Gingrich is still high on his upset victory in Saturday's South Carolina Republican presidential primary. The win comes after he finished fourth in Iowa and New Hampshire and many pundits predicting that Mitt Romney had the Republican nomination wrapped up. Gingrich had about 40 percent of the vote on Saturday with Romney pulling in 27 percent. Rick Santorum had 17 percent, Ron Paul 13 percent of the vote.

Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach who was fired in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal, died early yesterday morning of complications from lung cancer. He was 85. Known as "JoePa," Paterno's 46 seasons at Penn State made him one of the most beloved and successful coaches in the history of college sports until the scandal with former assistant coach, Sandusky.

It's deja vu all over again as the New York Giants will meet the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, just as they did in 2008. Four years ago, the Giants pulled off an upset and won 17-14. This time, we'll have to wait until February 5th to see how Super Bowl 46 will play out in Indianapolis.

Elizabeth Smart has gotten engaged. Wedding details, including the groom's name, haven't been disclosed. Her father Ed Smart says his daughter "wants to keep it very private and feels very strongly about that right now." Elizabeth, who is now a contributor for Good Morning America, made headlines in 2002 when she was kidnapped and held captive for nine months.

Blame it on the fanboys. George Lucas has vowed never to make another Star Wars movie -- and it's all because he's fed up with fans who criticize the prequels and gripe about the changes he made to the original trilogy. In an interview with The New York Times magazine, Lucas says, "Why would I make any when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?"

Scottish police cited a woman for taking the idea of having God as her co-pilot a little bit too literally -- by tooling down a highway while reading the Bible. The woman, who has not been named, was stopped after cops noticed her talking to herself and not watching the road as she drove. When they approached, they saw that she had the Good Book in hand. She told the officers she was practicing for a funeral later.

A Florida man made a clean getaway after a unique attempt to rob a Laundromat -- by pumping several bullets into the change machine. The man, who was wearing a grey hoodie, calmly approached the machine and demanded cash -- which he thought he could extract by shooting the thing several times.While the perpetrator did get away, he didn't come away with the desired dough.
So much for that money laundering scheme.

Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife says that the former House Speaker wanted an "open marriage" so he could continue an affair with his mistress without divorcing. In a bombshell interview that aired last night (Thursday) on ABC's Nightline, Marianne Gingrich said that she wouldn't stand for such an arrangement, so the couple divorced.

Coral Gables, Florida resident Marc Smit received a magazine in the mail earlier in the week a little late -- 36 years to be exact. The copy of Ms. magazine was delivered to the correct home, but it was addressed to the woman who lived there 25 years ago. d, the Miami Inspector General came by to pick up the magazine since it was addressed to the wrong person.

Dolly Parton celebrated her 66th birthday yesterday by announcing plans for a new theme park near the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. At a press conference, Dolly and Nashville dignitaries described the venture as the very first water-and-snow park in the United States. They plan to have it open by spring 2014. Dolly said," I live here, so you're liable to see me anytime."

Anyone who stays home to take care of the house and the kids knows it's hard work. All the work is often underappreciated. And, it's always underpaid because ... well ... because it's unpaid. What if it were a salaried job? How much would a homemaker be paid? Grand Total -- $96,261 per year

An elderly man who got lost while hiking in the mountains stayed warm after turning to a very green source of energy -- the cold, hard cash that he used to stoke a bonfire. Yong Chun Kim was hiking and weather turned cold very quickly, so Kim needed a way to generate heat -- and found it in the form of the one, five and 10 dollar bills he had stashed in his wallet. Hiking trip to Mt.Rainier? $300.

Fred Parker walked into an internet cafe and began rubbing himself against the walls and gaming machines. When asked what the heck he was up to, he informed them that he had a drug-resistant staph infection and demanded money or else he'd start infecting employees.The cashier refused, and Parker was arrested later that day with the police saying, "It's our first case of robbery by threat of an infectious disease."

One Michigan pastor has opened a tattoo parlor to draw some new blood to the congregation. Reverend Steve Bentley of The Bridge Church says he opened Serenity Tattoo as effort to reach out to folks who aren't drawn to traditional places of worship. While some of his parishioners have objected to the practice, Bentley says he views tattooing as "a morally neutral practice". And a little sacramental wine helps ease the pain, too!

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton -- who is a young 66 today! With a new movie, Joyful Noise, in theaters and a musical based on her life in the works, Dolly has no intentions of slowing down and continues to embrace opportunities.

TOYS FOR THE TROOPS? An adult toy company called RealTouch wants to donate thousands of "personal pleasuring systems" to military families. Apparently, the company has developed software and "hardware" that would synch up overseas so that the couples could have "virtual encounters" together. Though this is a nice gesture, it remains to be seen if the military is going to approve this type of thing.

Are you one of those people who always wants to have the last word? Well, Facebook has introduced a new app that will let you do just that -- by delivering messages to friends after you kick the bucket! "If I Die" lets you record personalized messages -- naughty or nice -- to be posted once your Facebook "executors" confirm that you have, in fact, gone offline for good.

A Los Angeles woman tried to give a whole new meaning to the phrase "happy meal" by approaching men at a McDonald's drive-through and offering sexual favors in exchange for some chicken McNuggets. Khadijah Baseer was spotted opening car doors at random in order to propose her trade, but she found no takers. One customer took the time to inform cops of the fast-times for fast-food offer and Baseer was arrested.

Tonight, American Idol kicks off its 11th season with auditions in Savannah, Georgia. On Thursday, it's off to Pittsburgh for more. The eight audition episodes will also send judges Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez to Aspen, Galveston, Portland (Oregon), San Diego and St. Louis.

One Seattle area resident took issue with msnbc.com's headline, "Foot of snow in Seattle? City frantic after forecast" by posting on Facebook, "Dear rest of the world: We are not 'frantic.' We are calmly driving home...We're not losing our cookies and crying like hysterical little schoolgirls."

If you're hoping to find some information on Wikipedia today, you're out of the luck. The encyclopedia-style website has gone dark today for 24 hours to protest anti-piracy bills that are the subject of debate in the U.S. Congress, with Hollywood squaring off with tech companies and free-speech advocates. In a show of solidarity, Google covered their logo with a black box, craigslist and other sites joined in.

It's official -- Paula Deen has type-2 diabetes. The celebrity chef, known for her decadent Southern recipes, came clean on the Today show yesterday. "I've always said, 'Practice moderation, y'all.' I'll probably say that a little louder now," Deen said. "You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake."

The lawsuit that Garth Brooks filed against an Oklahoma hospital has gone to trial. Garth, who donated a half-million dollars to the facility, claims that the hospital reneged on an agreement to name a building after his mother, Colleen -- even after he'd seen drawings of the structure bearing her name. The hospital says that the donation was made anonymously without any conditions.

Taylor Swift is learning to spot the red flags in dating. A few of them are: 1. Guys who fall in love with her without really getting to know her. 2. Those who are turned off by her security guards. Taylor says, "I don't have security to make myself look cool, or like I have an entourage. I have security because there's a file of stalkers who want to take me home and chain me to a pipe in their basement."

Our condolences go out to Blake Shelton whose father, Dick, died last night. In December, Blake gave an emotional performance of "God Gave Me You" at the American Country Awards, and later it was revealed that his father was in an Oklahoma hospital battling pneumonia. He had been in declining health for much of the year.

According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, watching football puts spectators at risk for heart attacks. The researchers found there is a link between big sporting events and cardiac emergencies on the day of and days following big games. Other than the stress of the game, all the eating and drinking going on during parties also play a role in people keeling over the next day.

Brent Aguirre lost the ring just a few months after his high school graduation in 1966, and says that he totally wrote off the idea of getting it back. Over the course of the past few decades, he moved around, from Germany to Korea, but recently ended up near his old home, where he was tracked down on facebook by someone who recognized his name from the inscription on the ring.

Happy birthday to Betty White, who turns 90 today. The Emmy winner has appeared on countless television programs. Happy birthday to Jim Carrey who turns 50 today and to Muhammad Ali. The Greatest, born Cassius Clay, turns 70 today.

Wikipedia's English language version website is planning to go dark for 24 hours tomorrow in protest of anti-piracy legislation under consideration in Congress, the foundation behind the popular online encyclopedia said in a statement yesterday. The Wikimedia foundation said, "If passed, this legislation will harm the free and open Internet and bring about new tools for censorship of international websites inside the United States."

Former Utah Governor Jon Hunstman officially dropped out of the race for the White House yesterday. He endorsed Mitt Romeny for the Republican presidential nomination, while calling on his one-time Republican rivals to unite and put aside the negative ads and personal attacks.

If O.J. Simpson ever gets out of the big house, he might not have a house to live in. A bank is foreclosing on the disgraced star's Miami home. O.J., who's serving a nine-to-33-year prison sentence for stealing sports memorabilia at gunpoint in 2007, bought the place for $575,000.

Kid Rock apologized, sort of after a man complained he smoked at a nonsmoking venue. Rock said, "I doubt I'm the first one to ever make a bad decision while being intoxicated, so he without fault please cast the first stone. My most sincere apologies to the patrons I may have offended, and a big middle finger in advance to all the haters and attorneys who will somehow try to find an easy paycheck in all this."

Keith Urban has announced his third annual We're All for the Hall concert benefiting the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. The event will take place April 10th at Nashville's Bridgestone Arena and feature Keith and Vince Gill as performers and directors. Also includes Alabama, Alison Krauss and Union Station, The Band Perry, Lady Antebellum, Little Big Town, Pistol Annies, Rascal Flatts and Thompson Square.

How does a 21-hour workweek sound to you? Too good to be true? It probably is, but one group of people is making a pretty good argument for cutting the typical 40-hour workweek almost in half. The New Economics Foundation, a British think tank, believes that cutting the workweek is necessary for our personal lives and would also benefit the economy.

William Blankenship had been arrested on drug charges and tossed into the cop car when he managed to wrangle his way into the front seat and drive off while cuffed. The episode unnerved Blankenship enough to make him want a smoke -- so he used the cruiser's radio to get in touch with dispatch and ask where the cigarette lighter was.

A Florida man is sure to be the butt of plenty of jokes after law enforcement officials found him in his jail cell with a gun -- hidden inside his rectum!

Michael Ward had been arrested on an outstanding warrant from the state of Georgia, and was awaiting processing when officers performed a strip search and discovered the 10-inch long, .38 caliber weapon. Sounds like his plan had some serious cracks in it.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is today but yesterday the recently opened monument dedicated to him in Washington, D.C. Members of his family were present as the crowd sang "Happy Birthday" to the slain civil rights leader on what would have been his 83rd birthday. Martin Luther King the Third said, "We're celebrating the best of what we are, but also what we must become, knowing that we've not arrived there yet."

Laura Kaeppeler [pr: KEP-ler], a 23-year-old from Kenosha, Wisconsin became the new Miss America Saturday night in Las Vegas. She gets a $50,000 scholarship and wears the crown for one year.

Lindsay Lohan didn't need a Golden Globes nomination or an invitation to get her photo taken.

Linds reportedly crashed the Weinstein Company's pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. Wednesday. An insider tells the New York Daily News she sneaked in via the hotel's back entrance, and then "made her way to the entrance for photo ops."

A group called the Courage Campaign is going after Kim Kardashian, claiming the star is not paying her fair share of taxes. The organization, which has launched the website TaxKimK.com, says, "Kim Kardashian made more than $12 million in 2010, but she only paid 1% more in taxes than a middle-class Californian. That's not OK."

NOT SUCH A SWEET DEAL - Life's not so sweet for a Missouri woman who's facing drug charges after calling cops to complain that she'd paid 40 bucks for some crack cocaine -- only to find she'd been sold a bag of sugar instead. Suzanne Basham called 911 to offer up the address of the guys who tried to give her a sugar high, but they refused to allow investigators inside.

A Florida man was arrested for calling 911 to claim he'd been kidnapped -- by a cab driver who was taking him home. The driver said that Paul Coombs was rambling incoherently and smelled strongly of urine, so he drove him back to the cab depot where he was picked up -- prompting Coombs to dial the emergency number and insist he was being kidnapped.

Have you ever seen those websites featuring screenshots of funny texts from people's phones? Many of them are real, but a lot of them are probably fake. IFakeText.com doesn't claim to be real. It's a collection of phony screenshots of bogus text messages submitted by you and other funny people just like you.

After more than six years since she went missing on the Caribbean Island of Aruba, Natalee Holloway was declared legally dead yesterday by an Alabama judge. Holloway's parents, who are divorced, disagreed over the ruling. Her mother, Beth Holloway, said there's a lack of evidence to prove Natalee's deceased, but her father, Dave Holloway, requested the ruling to resolve issues related to her estate.

Hulk Hogan plans to shave off his iconic mustache and at least one person thinks the move will have dire consequences. Dr. Aaron Perlut, chairman of the American Mustache Institute, Perlut says, "Not only would the removal of his lower nose foliage cause angels in heaven to die and fall to earth -- as is written in biblical texts -- but it would send a poor message to young people of Mustached American descent.

Dierks Bentley is offering fans a chance to visit him at home, or at least at his hometown show in Nashville. Go to his Facebook page and click on the Vevo "Meet Dierks Bentley" update. There you can enter to win airfare, hotel, ground transportation, concert tickets and a meet-and-greet with Dierks at his February 2nd show at the Ryman Auditorium.

We've heard of panty raids, but pantyhose raids? A Cleveland-area man demanded a pair so that he could use them for a car fix. The man, who is still at large, approached the 16-year-old in a shopping mall parking lot and told her he needed her hose to patch his hose -- the one attached to the exhaust system in his car. She complied and passed them over, at which point he legged it out of the parking structure.

Tim Tebow loves Jesus and America loves Tim Tebow -- or at least that's what a new ESPN Sports Poll suggests. The monthly poll has the Denver Broncos quarterback ranked as America's favorite active pro athlete, topping NBA superstar Kobe Bryant.

Carrie Underwood, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift are among Next Movie's nine hottest Nashville movie stars. According to their website, these three -- along with Dolly Parton, Faith Hill, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson -- have done the best job of transferring their talent from the stage to the screen.

For the second consecutive year, Taylor Swift was named Favorite Country Artist at last night's People's Choice Awards, but she wasn't there to collect the honor. She tweeted, "I'm not there, but I'll be watching on TV from Nashville." Taylor beat out Blake Shelton, Keith Urban, Lady Antebellum and Rascal Flatts for the honor.

Earl Williamson of Maine dialed 911 after hearing suspicious noises outside, and got a suitably quick response from the boys in blue -- which turned out to be a mixed blessing. The intruder was, in fact, scared away, but deputies found more than two dozen marijuana plants growing in the garage, and nearly a pound of weed ready to sell.

GAYEST CITY: Salt Lake City Takes the Crown, S.F. Not Happy. The Advocate recently named Salt Lake City the gayest city in America and some folks in San Francisco aren't amused for the second year in a row. SF Weekly writes, "To add insult to injury, the Advocate has not only decided San Francisco is still not the gayest city, but Salt Lake City -- home of the God-worshipping Republicans, is."

For the second time in less than a week, a U.S. Navy crew came to the rescue of Iranian seamen in danger yesterday. The Americans pulled six Iranians from a cargo boat that was in trouble after its engine room was flooded. The Iranians were rescued by a Coast Guard patrol boat known as the Monomoy, which is on assignment in the northern Arabian Gulf. One of the six Iranians said, "Without your help, we were dead."

There's bad news if you believe in the Doomsday Clock, the figurative timepiece that marks how close we are to oblivion. Yesterday it was moved to 11:55, one minute closer to midnight or the apocalypse. It's the first time the clock has moved forward since 2007. The clock is re-set by a group called the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, warn the public about the dangers of nuclear weaponry and other dangers.

It's looking like Mitt Romeny will win the Republican nomination and go head-to-head with President Obama in November's general election after Romney won the New Hampshire primary last night by a healthy margin. Romney got 36-percent, Ron Paul in second with 23-percent, Jon Huntsman pulled 18-percent, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum both got 10-percent, with Texas Governor Rick Perry in the cellar with one-percent.

Willow Smith ruffled a few feathers when she posted a picture of herself swinging on a pole in what appeared to be a nightclub in Las Vegas with the caption "Vegas Chick." In the pic, the 11-year-old is dressed in leggings, red Ugg boots and a white jumper, grabbing the pole and throwing her head back.

Lindsay Lohan was hit with a double dose of bad news yesterday. First came word that the IRS has filed a lien against her for failing to pay $93,000 in income taxes from 2009. Then we heard she's being sued by a photographer who claims he was injured when a car in which Lindsay was riding hit him in Hollywood. There was some good news, too. The actress is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic.

Reba McEntire and Blake Shelton will host the 47th annual Academy of Country Music Awards on April 1st, live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. This will be the second time Blake has partnered with Reba to host the show. Throughout the awards show, the action will cut away to Vegas's Mandalay Bay Events Center where the Zac Brown Band will be headlining the second annual Fan Jam.

According to a new study from the University of Vermont, people with more money tend to be less happy. They found that as people are making more money, they put in a lot more hours at work -- and they have less freedom, which makes them less happy. Not surprisingly, They also found that people are generally happiest over the weekend with happiness levels lowest on Mondays and Tuesdays.

According to New York Daily News, Beyonce and Jay-Z's bodyguards have been clearing other visitors out of the intensive care unit -- including families of premature babies. New dad Neil Coulon says the couple's security kicked him and his family out, and have been treating the unit like the VIP area of a nightclub. Beyonce and Jay-Z reportedly paid nearly $1.3 million to renovate the neo-natal unit to their liking.

Officials in Illinois have given new meaning to the phrase "drive-thru restaurant" -- by making it legal for motorists to pick up and eat any dead critter they find on the side of the road. Asked if it's safe to chow down on curbside cuisine, a biologist said, "It depends on what shape it's in and how long it's been there. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Two Florida men, who ended up behind bars after calling a guy and trying to peddle an I-Phone and I-Pad -- which they'd stolen from him two days earlier. Devonte Suckie and Zachary Swindle held up Hank Yan at gunpoint, snagging the devices and $500 in cash. After finding his number in the phone, they rang him up and offered to sell the stuff back at a good price. Yan couldn't refuse and brought cops to help him.

If you're a fan of Twinkies, you may want to stock up. Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, is preparing to file for bankruptcy, according to sources familiar with the company's finances. The Irving, Texas-based company employs about 19,000 people and has been struggling due to high labor costs and the rising cost of sugar and flour.

Charlie Sheen has made a big announcement -- he's no longer a lunatic. The actor, who was promoting his new sitcom Anger Management at the FOX all-star party for TV critics Sunday, said, "I'm not crazy any more. That was an episode." He added, "I think I'm a different person than I was yesterday. Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality."

HANDS UP, YOU'VE GOT A GUN! A British crook who thought his heist was in the bag found out otherwise when he approached a bank teller with a gun in one hand and a getaway bag in the other -- only to point the bag at the victim, and hand him the gun instead! The cashier pressed an alarm button and made a grab for the gun, but the wanna-be thief managed to escape -- without a penny of the bank's proceeds.

Anquin St. Junius, who was jailed on suspicion of assaulting a bartender, wanted a sympathy release on grounds that he can't move his arms or walk for more than 15 seconds at a time. Unfortunately for St. Junius, there was a surveillance camera right outside his holding cell, which captured his workout in all its sweaty glory.

An ill-advised homework assignment from a Gwinnett County, Georgia elementary school in which teachers attempted to incorporate social studies lessons on slavery into math problems. One question read, "Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?" Another one asked, "If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"

Beyonce gave birth to a baby girl named Blue Ivy Carter in New York City Saturday. Blue's father Jay-Z was there as Bey delivered the newborn via C-section. The first two letters of "Ivy" are the Roman numerals for four, which is Beyonce's favorite number and the name of her last album. Also both Bey and Jay's birthdays are on the fourth. "Blue" could be related to Jay-Z's Blueprint series.

Miranda Lambert will make her acting debut on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit playing an actress who is harassed by a sleazy reality show producer. Miranda expressed her joy on winning the role on Facebook. She wrote, "Y'all I'm so freaking excited to be on my favorite show ever !!!"

A Colorado woman got extremely cheeky at a Denver art museum, grabbing a 30-million-dollar painting, throwing punches at it, then rubbing her bare buttocks against the canvas while attempting to urinate on it. While Carmen Tisch didn't manage to moisten Clyfford Still's 1957-J-No. 2, she did urinate on herself, causing a spectacle and more than $10,000 in damage to the painting.

A Canadian woman really gave cops an eyeful when they showed up to investigate a shooting at her home... only to find her shot through the eye -- and casually sipping a brewski. The woman was bleeding from the eye and "severely impaired" when officers arrived on the scene. A police spokesperson said, "It was like she was oblivious to what had happened. She didn't want any treatment until after she finished her beer."

Drew Barrymore plans to walk down the aisle for the third time. The 36-year-old actress has gotten engaged to boyfriend Will Kopelman -- who popped the question during a trip to Sun Valley, Idaho during the holidays.

Kelly Clarkson probably knows more country stars than she does fellow pop stars. She tells People magazine, "At country music events, everyone's so nice. But at pop events, everybody's too cool for school. Nobody ever talks. I like the acts musically, but I don't know anyone, which is weird 'cause I've been doing this for 10 years.

A suburban Chicago cop is in hot water after pulling over a female motorist in order to charge her with speeding and driving while sexy. Officer Chris Collins issued a $132 ticket to Evangelina Paredes, then waited two days before going to her home and leaving a note on her windshield asking for a date. Collins said he knew he probably didn't have a shot at a hook-up but said, "The least I can do is buy you dinner."

A teenager who smashed car windows and spray-painted walls was nabbed by Philadelphia police after he left a YouTube video of the whole spree. The clip, which clearly showed the face of the 16-year-old, also showed a group of kids spray painting the letters W and L -- shorthand for the local gang Wreck Locals. To further clear things up, the kid posted the video under the title "Wreck Locals [Mess Stuff] Up."

For all the funny, weird and interesting stuff on the Internet in 2012, check out Pleated-Jeans.com.

KODAK: Preparing to File for Bankruptcy - It's the end of an era. Eastman Kodak is planning to seek bankruptcy protection. The 131-year-old film company, which was once one of America's best-known brands, is trying to sell off some of its patents in an effort to avoid Chapter 11, but it's making plans for the worst if those efforts fail.

Michele Bachmann's dream of being president is over -- at least for now. Yesterday the Minnesota congresswoman packed in her presidential bid after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses. Texas Governor Rick Perry also initially sounded like he was going to pull out of the race, but later tweeted that he was still in and will focus on the race in South Carolina.

VIGILANTE MOM: 18-year-old Sarah McKinleyShoots Intruder After Checking With 911- Before pulling the trigger of her shotgun, McKinley moved a couch in front of a door, gave her three-month-old son a bottle, and called 911 to ask the operator if it was OK to fire her weapon which she did and killed Justin Shane Martin, 24, his alleged accomplice, 29-year-old Dustin Louis Stewart, is charged with first-degree murder.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, JESSICA BIEL ENAGAGED!
They've been on and off for years, but now Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are on for a wedding. Justin popped the question in Jackson, Wyoming over the holidays, according to Us Weekly. Also Zooey Deschanel has filed the divorce from her husband, rocker Ben Gibbard.

Taylor Swift has reportedly won the role of Eponine in the movie version of Les Miserables. She beat out Scarlett Johansson, Glee's Lea Michele and Evan Rachel Wood for the part. Also in the cast are Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Amanda Seyfried, Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter. Production is set to start in March, and the film will hit the screen in early December.

A man who filed a lawsuit after he claims he found a dead mouse inside a can of Mountain Dew got a cheesy reply from the soda maker, which insists he's lying -- because the carbonated drink would have dissolved the critter's corpse right after canning. Pepsi has moved to dismiss the suit, saying that the corrosive soda would have turned the creature into "mouse jelly" or dissolved it altogether within days.

A pair of wanna-be crooks in Utah got a taste of their own medicine after returning to their truck after a shoplifting bust -- only to find that someone had stolen a good chunk of their loot. Korin Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander were stopped on their way out of a drug store with about $36 worth of merchandise. They found that someone had jimmied their vehicle and stolen a stereo and over $60 worth of goods.

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ARNOLD SLIPS WEDDING RING BACK ON - All signs are pointing to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver staying married. TMZ says Maria might call off the divorce -- despite Arnie knocking up the family maid -- because of her deeply held religious views.

Lauren Alaina sat talked about missing family, her friends from American Idol and meeting boys now that she's a country star. She sums it up in three words: "Boys are dumb.""It's so weird like the guys that liked me before don't really talk around me anymore. They're so embarrassed and shy. And then the ones that weren't interested at all are like, 'What's up?' You know, like trying to, I don't know. Guys are dumb."

Tim McGraw and Carrie Underwood top Country Weekly's best dressed list for 2011. The other finalists in the men's category are Charles Kelley of Lady Antebellum, Blake Shelton, Keith Urban and Chris Young. On the ladies' side, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Nettles, Kimberly Perry of The Band Perry and Reba McEntire round out the Top 5.

A Canadian man called 911 to report that he'd been the victim of a hit-and-run -- via a shopping cart that rolled over his foot. The man called authorities in Barrie, Ontario, after he was traumatized by the toe-tapping experience in a grocery store parking lot. The woman who allegedly perpetrated the crime in question apologized, but the victim wasn't satisfied and demanded that police get involved.

A Florida man who was busted as part of a cock-fighting ring three years ago was arrested picking up a live rooster at the post office last week. Danny Pham pleaded ignorance, saying he was only transporting the bird for a friend. In the earlier bust, he insisted he didn't know there was a cockfight at his home, despite the fact that there were more than 80 roosters caged up in his backyard.

SHE CAN'T DRIVE 55 ... OR 20! A British woman is protesting her town's decision to institute a 20-mile-per-hour speed limit -- because she says her snazzy new BMW can't go that slow. Diane Greenwood is threatening to sue the city council of Cleveleys because she believes operating the sports car in fourth gear will damage the engine.

Actor, director and alleged racist and heavy drinker Mel Gibson turns 56 today. Mel, of course, is the star of the Lethal Weapon and Mad Max movies, as well as Braveheart and The Patriot. He's also the writer-director of The Passion of the Christ. Mel was born in Peekskill, New York and moved to Sydney, Australia when he was 12.

An unusual group was marching at the tail end of yesterday's Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena, California -- several thousand Occupy protestors. They carried a 250-foot banner reading "We the People" and chanted, "Banks got bailed out, we got sold out." The demonstrators tailed the parade for about a mile and half before veering off to a rally near Pasadena's City Hall. No arrests were made during the march.

Los Angeles police have arrested a suspect in the 53 cases of arson that have gripped the city -- and caused an estimated two-million dollars in damages -- since Thursday night. The suspect was identified as Harry Burkhart, a 24-year-old Hollywood resident. He was picked up early Monday morning in West Hollywood.

The 2012 presidential campaign, which has been seriously under way for nearly a year already, moves a step closer to actually selecting a Republican nominee to challenge President Barack Obama today as Iowa's caucuses open for the state's non-binding straw poll.

Brandi Glanville married Mixed Martial Arts manager Darin Harvey over the weekend in Las Vegas, but it's not going to last. The 38-year-old Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star tied the knot on a drunken whim. The newlyweds celebrated by visiting a strip club. Brandi's last husband, Eddie Cibrian, left her for LeAnn Rimes.

Russell Brand could cash in big time by divorcing Katy Perry. The couple reportedly does not have a pre-nup. According to California law, the two -- who wed there 14 months ago -- must split their earnings 50/50. She's estimated to be worth at least $44 million -- he's worth about $15 mil.

The official Elvis Birthday Celebration begins Thursday in Memphis and continues through Sunday when the King of Rock would have turned 77. That day, a new Elvis on Tour exhibit opens to coincide with the 40th anniversary of the movie of the same name.

According to a survey, 33% of women admitted they were more likely to have a one-night stand on New Year's Eve than any other night of the year! Not only that, but another 29% of respondents said they'd hooked up with a co-worker at a holiday party. And 57% said they'd snuck off for a quickie during a holiday gathering.

Detroit may have a reputation for violent mischief on Halloween, but New Year's Eve has become a nightmare for authorities in Los Angeles. A rash of late-night car fires in that began on Friday spread to different neighborhoods Saturday, bringing the total number of suspicious blazes to 40. Police are calling it the worst arson attacks in 20 years.

Verizon Wireless has reversed its decision to charge a $2 fee for telephone and online bill payments following a storm of criticism. The company said it made the decision after many of its customers complained and some threatened to leave if the fee was instituted. A Verizon spokesman said the company had just wanted to encourage consumers to pay their bills via different methods such as autopay.

RUSSELL BRAND & KATY PERRY GETTING DIVORCED - The British comedian filed for divorce from his wife of 14 months Friday. He tells Us Weekly, "Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."

Tim McGraw, Kellie Pickler's, Glen Campbell's Live in Japan, Dierks Bentley's, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Rascal Flatts, Alan Jackson, Faith Hill and Brad Paisley are all working on new music to be released this year.